Celebrating Clarksville – in Nashville!

Here’s a fun story from ClarksvilleNow.

Austin Peay State University held their annual Candlelight Ball last Saturday to help raise funds to help keep up with their ever-increasing head count and tuition. It was a black tie affair with dancing, dining, and…well a bunch of old white people.

Most notably, it was held at the Nashville Downtown Hilton. Wait, which Hilton? Not in Clarksville you say?

That’s right — APSU decided the best place to hold a fundraiser for their local disco with books would be someplace less embarrassing than where they’re located. I find it a little funny, but mostly appropriate. I mean, if I had to run a cash drive and wanted to make the people feel more self-entitled, I would certainly head down to Music City.

Hell, even mayor Kim McMillan was glad to get the hell out of Tennessee’s Top Spot (for STD’s):

Nashville TAKE ME AWAY!!! (from ClarksvilleNow.com)

I’d like to think she was the one that suggested it since she seems pretty level-headed. “Yeahhhh, I like the whole fundraiser idea. But how ’bout we make it suck 80 percent less by going to Nashville?” It’s these tough decisions that made her the obvious choice for mayor of Clarksville (which by the way, mayor of Clarksville has to feel like being the captain of the Titanic…after the ship already sank…and people started eating each other…and the sequel to the original movie went straight to TV).

But I’m a little sad. There’s gotta be somewhere in the Queenly City that CRAPSU could have their student blood drive and dance party at, right? Let’s suggest a few for the next time they want to collect some cash (sometime next week I’ll guess).

China King’s Extra Buffet Room: – They have 4 long tables, a podium, AND karaoke. Suck on that Hilton. Also it carries about 90% of the typical Clarksville diet.

Krystal: This looked like a pretty big event. Next time consider this. The little burger joint on Wilma Rudolph has this magical item called the “Steamer Pack”. Pardon my language, but that’s 24 fucking Krystals in a classy box that I’m sure any Austin Peay student would proudly pack their diploma in. Also, 2 words… FREE WI-FI.

That creepy building on Riverside that keeps reopening: You know which one I’m talking about. This one:

WTF is this thing?

This thing reopens every year as some new doomed club that lasts just long enough for someone to get shot in the parking lot. I think this level of danger is perfect for Clarksville’s elite with expendable income. Naturally someone would get killed during the course of the evening. Then what do you have? That’s right…MURDER MYSTERY! Wow! Rich people love kitschy adventures and whodunit’s.

So I encourage Clarksville to take a deep, dark, painful look inward next time you want to party like they do in real cities. You might find out what fascinating buildings are right around the corner. You might also realize you need to hold a fundraiser to fix the hellhole we deal with every day.


  1. meanjoe

    Duhh. You don’t panhandle in the hood. People in the hood don’t have cash.

  2. Confus├ęd

    Not to mention that Clarksville has its own Hilton and Austin Peay has its own “Ballroom”. The quotations are because its more like a Job Fair room (and by Job Fair I mean Convergys recruiting ground). It’s about as absurd as driving to Nashville to eat at a “Chinese” buffet.

  3. prodigal son

    Clarksville has a Hilton?

    Also that creepy building on riverside is the old river mussel factory, it was originally used to process cumberland river shellfish. It’s also got to be breaking all sort of health and safety codes.

  4. The Aristocrat

    Clarksville has had a Hilton for years….its actually pretty alright as far as a clarksville hotel goes…much better than the Riverview. initially that building on the river was built as a textile mill..hence the reason it had a giant smokestack…for the steam powered weaving machines….learned about it on a field trip to the museum in 4th grade!!! .lets see..in my lifetime its been a bar….a bar….um…a bar…and oh that time it was a bar.

  5. riff

    I’m guessing they wanted a better view than the light at Exit 4 where our Hilton is located. “Wait for the flash…… there we go!”

    As for the structure on Riverside, I recall it being the city waterworks at one time, but in recent years it has been a series of clubs (not that I’ve ever visited any of them).

  6. Glitterpunk

    It was an antique shop for many many years too…longer than all those fly by night clubs put together…

  7. The Aristocrat

    i think i remember that…

  8. Joe Blow

    I wish they would turn it back into an antique shop. At least it would last longer than those stupid clubs.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *