What is the deadliest block in Clarksville? Where will your life be most at risk? It feels like Clarksville has been much more dangerous recently, with weather, shootings, and CDE resignations hitting us from every angle. But I wondered what building in Clarksville had the highest chance of death concealed within it.
After some conversations and research, I think we’ve found it. Ladies and gentlemen, tremble in fear from Clarksville, Tennessee’s DEADLIEST BLOCK!
Doesn’t this picture just make your heart skip a beat? By that I mean did your heart actually struggle to continue functioning out of fear of what is in front of it?
What’s that? You no comprende? Let me explain.
I love bad food (which is probably why I have so many reviews of especially terrible restaurants), or food that is bad for me. I think this article (from the Tennessean) explains how most of Tennessee is happily in the same boat. We’re a fat, unhealthy state waiting for the end times. We can’t wait to shave more and more years off of our life. Granted, I know we often say we don’t want to live in Clarksville. But I don’t think we mean we no longer wish to keep on living.
With so many corpulent options, it was easy to award “Deadliest Block” to the plaza on Tiny Town Road in front of the Great Escape Theater. You question my judgement? Let’s take a closer look…
Little Caesar’s Pizza (AKA Lil’ 5-Dolla Pizzle Stizzle)
It’s just pizza right? No, it’s the easiest 5 dollar pie-hole filler in Clarksville. For the price of a drink at Old Chicago, you can have AN ENTIRE FUCKING PIZZA. Imagine buying a 20 dollar steak at the Blackhorse. Now imagine replacing that with 10 pounds of dough! On several occasions when I’ve known that 8 or more people were going to hang out at my house, I’ve turned 20 bucks into 4 pizzas without a second thought. It’s crazy really…like Crazy Bread. I feel like a Black Friday shopper trying to justify the purchase of 10 copies of Avatar on DVD because they’re on sale, when I really only need one (wait, I need none). That’s what Lil’ C’s is like. I can’t buy just one, and that “Pizza Pizza” spouting bastard of a mascot is just egging me on.
Cheeseburger Charley’s (AKA Checkpoint Charley)
Yeah it’s just a burger joint. Oh wait, they have a TWO-AND-A-HALF POUND HAMBURGER. It’s called the Five Star General and if you can finish it (with fries and a drink) you get your name on the wall, as well as the opportunity to sit at a fancy-pants table. You only rank up at this restaurant if you risk your life to finish a meal. Surprisingly most of the photos of their champions look pretty fit (army dudes, right?), but look at this one:
I’m sure it was the proudest moment of his life, right after the time Golden Corral made him leave for staying too long. It almost looks like an obituary photo. Could someone out there make sure that Jordan is alive and well?
El Bracero (DE LA MUERTE!)
You know the deal–sit down, eat chips, drink margarita, eat chimichanga, get more chips, rinse, repeat. Mexican food itself doesn’t seem bad on the surface (although the stories you read sometimes make you wonder), but add cheese covered cheese with a large bowl of cheese and you start to get the big picture. Margaritas are basically Kool-Aid Koolers for adults, and once you pop one bowl of chips, you can’t stop. Bienvenidos, to obesity!
Cold Stone Creamery (AKA STONE COLD STONE KILL-REAM-ERY)
“HAI HAI WELCOME 2 DA’ COL’ STONE CREEMEREEEEE!!!!” Screaming employess full of glee and crank get you so excited about ice cream that you’ll be drowning in the unhealthiest drink in the universe before you know it. Their large “PB & C Milkshake” has 2,010 calories, as much as 68 pieces of bacon (mmmm, 68 pieces of bacon….) Can you imagine consuming all the calories you’re supposed to have in one day in one single drink? It boggles the mind. What is even more mind-fucking is the fact that people often stop by here AFTER a tasty burger from Charley’s or bucket o’ tortilla chips from El Bracero. Wow, you could hibernate after all that.
Now do you get it? Just a few feet down the parking lot is yet another Chinese take-out joint called “No. 1 Chinese” (maybe short for NO ONE LEAVES ALIVE). Add to this the fact that there’s a nail shop and a mattress shop right next door and it’s like a divorced army wife’s dream come true.
Yeah, strolling in New Providence will likely get you shot within 17 minutes, but think of all the silent killers in this single plaza. The colors are so happy and friendly faces welcome you with outstretched arms. The food is easy and comforting and makes you forget about your terrible day in Clarksville. At least the mugger in New Providence looks like he’s going to kill me.
…and guess what? Despite all my pseudo-bitching here on the Interwebs, I’ll definitely be picking up a couple one-topping pizzas. Maybe I’ll even get me an ice cream cake to celebrate Austin Peay finishing 7th in some random sport I don’t care about. I’ll see ya’ there Clarksville!