A Soul-Crushing Night in Downtown Clarksville

Been a bit, hasn’t it? Or maybe it hasn’t, as time seems to stand still when you’re stuck in this seventh level of Hell.

But let’s focus on where I went last night…Downtown Clarksville. More specifically the APSU/Franklin Street area. There are a ton of places to pray for death while paying too much for drinks. But who deserves your hard-earned dollars from your overtime pay at the Cat West? Compare and contrast below:

The Front Page Deli:

Holy balls, this place is still open? Yes, the giant empty building across from the Roxy Theater/Dance Parlor actually has a bar inside of it. You want a quiet bar where you can ponder why you’re still here? You want a world of empty tables where you can choose your seat? You want to be charged for top-shelf liquor when you just wanted a simple mixed drink? IT’S ALL HERE! They have a big lighted sign when you enter that says “EAT HERE, DIET HOME”. I thought it said “EAT HERE, DIE AT HOME.” I wouldn’t go so far as to say their food will kill you (it’s fine), but you might die of loneliness if you drank here every night. They must have a rent-controlled building from the 40’s to still be able to stay open.

The Tap Room:

Ah, the old standby classic, still the same as it was when we first visited years ago. Wait, it’s nothing like the old Tap Room. I’ll be honest, it was easy to hate this place a couple years ago. They had just ripped out the carpets and removed the comfortable seating. It felt like you were on a sinking pirate ship, being forced to go down with the douchebag crew. The floors creaked like Edgar Allen Poe was going to bust out and curse you. The on-tap beers tasted like raccoon piss and soy milk. The music was so deafening your other senses were heightened so you could see and smell the failure coming off the patrons.
It’s still easy to hate any place in Clarksville, but I hate the Tap Room slightly less than I used to. Tap Room owners, feel free to put that on your advertising:

You're welcome!

They had a friendly waitress wandering taking orders, despite the busy tizzy. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t think the Tap Room became a cigar bar. Smoker-friendly bars are the norm and I usually don’t care. But my whole crew was choking it down last night, and I don’t mean the drinks (or weiners). Maybe it’s the K-Mart ceiling fans not doing their jobs, but the smoke was too much for even me.

The Gilroy:

Wanna hear a sad story? Last night the Gilroy was celebrating its 1-year anniversary. The zany DJ at one point brought up special patrons that had spent at least $2500 over the last year. They were given a celebratory bottle of champagne and a plate on the wall to remain there for ETERNITY. The ultimate red badge of cirrhosis now available at the Gilroy for the price of 55″ 3-D top of the line television.
Anyway, beyond that The G’roy was a wacky adventure that basically looked like a Nashville club if all the women were at a Kohl’s midnight sale. Yep, it was full o’ dudes. A female friend that was with us said “a woman would have no trouble getting laid here”. Of course I thought she said “a woman would have no trouble getting AIDS here”…I agreed heartily on both accounts. Not really the bar’s fault that it was a sausage factory I guess–just another case of the Clarksvilles.

Pea Patch

Instead of prosed-up snarky paragraphs, let me just give you a timeline of our experience at the Pea Patch:

0-60 seconds: Stand in line by “velvet rope” in front of bar.
61-120 seconds: Have my lower body professionally rubbed to check for weapons (always a good sign).
121-150 seconds: Walk to bar to prepare for a beverage purchase.
151-166 seconds: Watch woman with three male friends march towards front entrance. She yells at some guy “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MOTHERFUCKER!”, then punches him in the face.
167-240 seconds: Three men pummel guy they don’t like while security struggles to pull them apart. Pummeled guy is removed while original puncher girl calls him “faggot” and “motherfucker”
241-250 seconds: Find exit as quickly as possible.

Sorry we couldn’t give you a review longer than 5 minutes Pea Patch. I was worried when we didn’t see Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott around to keep us safe. So we decided leaving before we were shanked was the best option.

Even Jeff Healey couldn't tame the savage beasts...

Conclusion

Remember when (insert bar) didn’t suck? No, it’s true. EVERY bar that sucks today “used to be awesome”…at least if you ask people that have been in Clarksville for the past 10 years.

Observe:

The Front Page Deli

“Remember when this place used to have live bands every night? Man those were the days!”

The Tap Room

“Remember when the juke box was in the main room and they had carpet and big booths to chill in? Man those were the days!”

Gilroy/Pea Patch

“Remember when these were empty buildings? Man those were the days!”

There are so many safer, cheaper, and easier ways to get drunk (i.e. at home or at a buddy’s house). But if you must head out, umm, well I’ve got no good advice. How about, “Run AWAY from the sound of gun fire”? Yeah, that should do it.

12 Comments

  1. David

    Thank god yall are back, I have missed yall.

  2. Troy

    Lol,you guys rock,you let me know that evil lurks…

  3. Jeffery Lebowski

    Good to see a new article.

  4. Andrew

    i totally 2nd all of this… and ummm, there is so much more material for this bar-bashing blog in the town of clarksville… i want more!

  5. Swami John

    Glad to see you are still alive.

  6. Clarksvegas Balla

    oh clarksville wtf what a nice article to write. Also, what a bunch of slander that is half truth. I mean where do you get off going downtown Clarksville on the weekend? Nashville is 40 minutes away and that should be used properly. Now for the other nights on downtown Franklin Street, it is without a doubt one of the best times you can regularly have a good time in Clarksville. How about trivia tuesdays, Karoake Fridays, 5$ vodka redbull pitchers, 2$ pint house brews, Free jimmy johnson shows, 2 for 1 beers, 25 cent wings (two nights of the week), Free dance music, FIne women, plethora of drugs, free pool, free darts, and 3$ wells. Need I say more? I mean yes these are all different nights throughout your sunday to thursday, but that is what Downtown Clarksville excels at. Of course drinking with friends at their house or yours is fun, but is it not also nice to go out and open yourself up to the possible adventures that downtown clarksville bars have to offer? Oh, what a sad day that one cannot adequately describe the amount of good times that are availiable in such a short radius. I could tell long tales of good times over the past few years that these bars have brought me, and I cannot stand aside and watch as someone bashes one of my only true friends, downtown Clarksville bars. I wag my finger in your general direction Mr. WTF. On a side note, the Deli sucks balls.

  7. Executive Chef Allen ( retired )

    Well ClarksvilleWTF you have had your spin on the downtown Clarksville area and the Bars well here is mine . I have been in Clarksville for a long time I have seen bars come and go yes there are some rough clubs in the downtown area, but you have not given a fair review on all of the Bars.

    1. Front Page Deli ~ it is mainly a lunch location and yes if you are having a good drink at a nice place before dinner like most normal people do and yes I like a nice quiet place to dine not one that gives you a number as far as there food goes I am a very picky person when it comes to food when you have eaten everywhere from the Two Sisters ,Antons, K-Paul, Tavern On the Green it is nice to find a place you can Relax and enjoy the food I give it a 4.5 out of 5.

    2. Tap Room ~ Honestly I have only been there once it was a younger crowd to much going on not a place for me.

    3. The Gilroy ~ Well yes there are a lot of guys there but you are right down from APSU , a very large apartment complex as far as that goes all of Franklin And University Ave. are all apartment and most walk to the bars so yes their would be a lot of guys there we all know that young women take a longer time to get ready . Not to mention the ladies come later because the guys have had a head start on drinking an they will buy the ladies there drinks, so they spend less money . the best thing about this bar you have door personnel and if there is a problem you never it,
    It is handled with such quickness and professionalism you never know what has happened they are taken out so fast and barred for the night . The Bar staff is the BOMB the way they can make a drink. They reminds me of my Restaurant and Lounge bar staff I had could do tricks with the drinks as well . It’s a fun place don’t take life to seriously you’ll never get out alive.

    4. Pea Patch ~ Well what can I say it is a college town the under age teens are going to try to get in some where now as far as getting felt you I have know the owner since I ran my place and I get the same treatment ,the guys at the door are just doing there job to keep you safe .

  8. loosejuice

    Gilligan’s. The Light House. Those places were the bomb.

  9. Stacy Mclane

    Its so sad to see an aging Bar Fly defend her “true friends” from the bar. Where does that rank in friends? Is that a step UP from the Facebook friends people claim are real?

  10. sarah

    Agree with Loosejuice, Gilligan’s was da bomb, before it got blacklisted at Ft Campbell for people having sex in public so the soldiers couldn’t go there and let’s face it, what business can stay in business in Clarksville without the soldiers, so they shut down Gilligan’s and it went thru several name changes so that technically the soldiers wouldn’t be going to “Gilligan’s” until it became a row of lawyer offices or something. I knew a male cheerleader at Austin Peay who would enter the Hot Body contest at Gilligan’s every week and win every week, and he would literally do this for his job because it paid $300 and that’s all he needed for his rent. Miss that place.

  11. Patrick Swayze

    I don’t drink often because im dead…but when I do ..I drink at the Pea Patch…I love to watch bar fights where chicks are kickin’ the shit out of worhtless pieces of shit guys with restraining orders against them. Come back often…My dead ass would love to buy you a drink and talk trash…I might learn something from you.
    Your secret lover….
    Patrick

  12. Ibeliza

    The honesty of your ptoisng is there for all to see

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *