Tonight I’m Fu Xin You

In today’s stupid criminal report, Fu Xin Huang (picture above) was arrested for attempted rape. The crime is dumb enough, but the circumstances are very WTF.

A 20-year-old woman was trying to do her laundry when Huang grabbed her and forced her into his apartment. He shot a bullet into the wall (smart), grabbed the woman by the throat and attempted to rape her.

However, the victim used the greatest power a woman has to stop him…the power of boring conversation. Yes, she was able to persuade him to hold off on the rape party and talk to her for around an hour. After that time she was able to escape from Huang.

What did they discuss, I wonder? Did she give him some protips for meeting women without using handguns and chokeholds? Did he tell her the story of General Tso and how he ruined his childhood and never taught him how to love? The mind boggles…

Reenactment of hour-long conversation

I really have to hand it to this lady–she was able to stop her victimization and get away. After an hour of conversation, I’m sure Fu’s rapey boner was gone, replaced by advice on the best place to buy curtains or how to shop for high heels. I really hope the victim goes on to teach self-defense courses centered around hour-long lectures on taking out the trash or asking for a raise at work.

Anyway, back to the dumbass. He fled from the scene, but was caught around 9:30 in the morning at…Wal-Mart. Did he think the busiest store in town was the best place to avoid getting arrested? “Hey, I’d better lay low by walking around the most populated part of town.” Maybe he was going to take the advice he received in his hour-long conversation and redo his bedroom. You know, make it look more inviting and less “I’MA RAPE YOU”-y.

Next time just hold up a "I'M A RAPIST" sign...

So, stupid rapist was caught probably buying some Sunny Delight and a Pillow Pet. Hopefully the victim is able to regain some comfort and not live in constant fear. Ladies, don’t forget the power of banal back-and-forth talking, it might just save your life.

Or you could just get one of these wang shredders

1 Comment

  1. Jeffery Lebowski

    I really enjoy this website. Thanks Clarky, fuckin swiss watch, man!

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