News broke the other day about former Clarksville resident Kacie Boguskie being a contestant on this season’s “The Bachelor“, a train wreck of a reality show on ABC. Besides having an unspellable name, she’s hoping her down-home attitude will get her far in the competition.
More to the point, she was smart enough to leave Clarksville and move to Knoxville, where she works as an administrative assistant (secretary) at Genera Energy. Yes, after attending Rossview High School and getting her secondary education, she said “time to GTFO”, and left the men of Clarksville for the smoking fellas of the Smokey Mountains.
Well, that just leaves more men for the rest of you ladies, right? You can have a “Bachelor” all to yourself, without all the prying cameras and hair-pulling fights (if you don’t go to the Pea Patch).
We actually had a request a while back to help the ladies lay out all their hot and fresh man meat options in Clarksville. NOT A PROBLEM!!! With a few suggestions from a reader, we now present…
The Clarksville Bachelor Guidebook!
You’ve seen the numbers and know that the chick-to-dude ratio is thrown waaay over to the Y-chromosomes. So ladies, you’ve got your pick! There are so many extra men in Clarksville you can literally get slapped with a dong upside the forehead just by turning around too fast. So let’s take a look at some of your available options…
- 3rd Shift Grocery Stockers – Have you thought of dating someone that parties all night stacking cans of Bush’s Baked Beans on grocery shelves and then sleeps all day? Then it sounds like you’re fiending for an OMG HAWT overnight stocker. You know he’ll never lie and say he’s going to work when he’s actually going out for a good time. Of course that’s because there’s nothing open at night in Clarksville–well, not counting the place he works at. He’ll never hit on customers because most of them are either 15 year old dropouts or 58 year old spinster ladies that only stroke cats, not weiners.
- Army Dudes (Active) – When it comes to male companion options, this is basically the “McDonald’s of Men” (not including men that work at McDonald’s). There are so many reasons why this is a great idea, right?
-Good pay (well, good-ish. Better than Convergys.)
-In shape (until he blows out his knee and gains 142 pounds)
-Travel! (…to beautiful Ft. Hood, Texas!)
But of course you’ll have to deal with stories about how he almost made E5 whatever the hell that means. Plus you’ll have to deal with losing him while your out shopping, and having trouble finding him because the back of every Army dude’s head looks the same.
- Army Dudes (Retired) – Why not check out the softer/older side of the US Military? He’s still pulling in money from his retirement. He probably lives out at Exit 11 with the “nice” houses. Also, when you’re looking for a good time, it’s “Party at the VFW!!!”. Of course on the bad side, you’ve got random shell-shock. You’ll need to prepare your action plan when he puts a headlock on the waitress at Chinese buffet. You don’t want someone pulling a Chris Benoit on your kids, right?
- Ex-Pimps – You know the old black men that wear all-purple long sleeve shirts in the middle of August? Former pimps equal present-day sugar daddies! You want extra cheese on your Baconator? You want to buy bunk beds from CampbellYardSales.com for your kids? How about getting a bottle of Beachaven Wine instead of Boone’s Farm? Sugar Daddy Ex-Pimps will slap a few dollars upside your head if you’ll just pay attention to them. That’s it! But be careful…Spoony D might not be a real former pimp. He could just be the night manager at White Castle that found a feathered hat at CityThrift.
- Mexican Restaurant Waiters – You just want someone to listen to your needs, right ladies? Or maybe you just want someone to pretend they’re listening. Well, choose a festive waiter from one of Clarksville 39 Mexican restaurants that will nod in agreement until you’re ready to shut up. Odds are he won’t understand you, but what man does? Just be happy he’ll put up with you! Then you can la bamba into la noche. Don’t forget to ask for “More Chip?” Also, if he ever threatens to break up with you, you can hold the offer of a green card over his head! Win!
- Black Rappers – Now if you just want to be degraded and have a man make it rain a few Washingtons every other Friday, you need to find one of Queen City’s hippity hip hoppers to pick you up in his pimped out ride. Here’s just some of the good times you’ll have hanging out in Clarksville’s scariest neighbor-hoods:
Sure, none of Clarksville’s rappers seem to have made it yet. But stick with him, he might just be the next rapping cat in the Paula Abdul “Opposites Attract” video or the guy rapping on Rebecca Black’s “Friday”. He might even make it in the Leaf Chronicle, at least in the crime roundup section.
- White Rappers
– OK, forget everything bad I said about black rappers. Wow. Just, wow.
- Bitter Website Editors – OK, there’s a couple of highs and lows here. No, you won’t be taken out for dinner or be given gifts that cost anything due to his low (read: non-existant) wages. But just think, you could be dating someone who sits at a computer all day and bitches about how much Clarksville sucks! Someone who has almost 1,000 likes on Facebook. By the way, tell your friends to like us on Facebook…
- Steve Nash – Well, unless you’re over 20 years old. A girl can dream can’t she?
- Fat Hipsters – Presently at the Tap Room on Thursday nights discussing “Pumped Up Kicks” and why Taco Bell is really avant-garde.
- “Reformed” Ministers – Hopefully they don’t relapse into forging drug prescriptions…
- Self-Employed Construction Worker – Surely they’ll take your relationship more seriously than the half-assed job they did on your neighbor’s roof?
- “Artists”(AKA musicians and photographers) – LOL More like Subway Sandwich Artists…
- Frat Guys (Kappa Sigs) – For those nights when you think, “Date rape doesn’t sound so bad when you get a free meal at Krystal.”
- Genuinely Normal Guys – Get real, ladies. You don’t want one of these. On to the next, pound it.
Other available men in Clarksville:
OK, maybe Knoxville might have some better options after all… GOOD LUCK KACIE!