Breakfast in Clarksville


With the weekend nearly upon us, you may find yourself waking up in the mood for breakfast food. For some reason, the leftover Hamburger Helper and 4-month old can of V8 in the fridge don’t look so appetizing.

Even if you’re like me and wake up at 11:30AM on a Sunday, you’ll find that there are many choices. Note, I didn’t say “many excellent choices”. But when you are desperate for food pooped out the back of a chicken and sliced off the back of a pig, you take what you can get. Speaking of which, here’s what you can get (with ClarksvilleWTF’s own rankings):

Cracker Barrel

C-Barrel has been serving breakfast in Clarksville for decades now. It’s there all day, every day, so even people that eat at 1PM like me can make it on time. I’d argue that the food is the most reliable. Eggs, bacon, sausage, grits, and biscuits all make it to the table as ordered. The hashbrown casserole, cheesed and greased up for the extra health kick, makes a great side dish. They got all the juices and drinks, and your friends can hit up the lunch menu if they hate breakfast food (and by proxy hate America).

But DAMN, do you have to wait…Cracker Barrel suffers on Sundays with this problem known as the CWL, or “Christian Wait Line”. The churches empty out, and half of the attendees immediately converge on Cracker Barrel. The other half, incidentally, head to the Chinese buffet, where Jesus watches them and cries because his followers are being served by heathens (or some bullshit like that).

Back to the point though–if you’re heading here on a Sunday, GET THERE EARLY…like 10:00 AM or so. Beat the Ford Escapes full of hungry Baptists, or you’ll be sitting in a rocking chair outside for about 45 minutes.

Conclusion – Come for the great food, stay for the party of 20 waiting for a table ahead of you!

IHOP

You hop, I hop, we all hop…for IHOP? Nah, I don’t think so. As of this writing they are still trying to remodel after a fire in their kitchen. Obviously I’m going to expand this into a commentary on their food, right?

Talking strictly about their breakfast, let’s break it down. Eggs are eggs…and they usually don’t f’ them up. You also have an array of omelets, mostly all the same save for one ingredient changed (replace mushrooms with green peppers, BAM Western omelet!) Bacon and sausage links are sometimes inconsistant, but still OK. Their signature dish, pancakes, are fluffed up like Ron Jeremy at a bikini car wash. They got all the syrups you could desire, ready to drown your cakes and signal Wilford Brimley with the Diabeet-a-mobile. Also, I like the random things they add, like stuffed french toast. I didn’t like the crepes they added though…more like “craps” AMIRITE?

When they re-open, they’ll also suffer with the same CWL that Cracker Barrel gets, but they also pick up the hangover eaters, the people that hate their kids too much to make breakfast, and the drug dealers finishing up their overnight shifts. So while the seating is comfortable, you might be surrounded by loud, annoying assholes (that’s right, I might be sitting next to you).

Conclusion – A huge average menu beckons you. Drown all the pancakes before they rise up against the proletariat!

Waffle House

The awful waffle, or whatever you wanna call it, is exactly what you remember. Take a mobile home, throw in a large griddle, a jukebox, and a sassy foodmarm named Betty, and have a seat. I would argue that the food itself isn’t too much of a gamble. The line order cooks they have are surprisingly good at their job. So the food you order is pretty quick, and pretty much what you’d expect. Once again, you can get eggs, bacon, toast, hashbrowns, and waffles. If you need a quick meal and don’t care about the aesthetics you might be at the right place.

The service is always one of two things. You might get the God-sent waitress that fills your drink like a ninja and whips out food before you realize you were hungry. Or you might get the slack-jawed Slowpoke Rodriguez of servers that can’t finish a sentence without taking a breath midway through. So if you want to roll the dice and get a quick, cheap breakfast so you can get on your way, maybe you can settle for the Waffle House. Oh, hope you don’t like comfortable seating, because, once again, this is a mobile home with a griddle.

Conclusion – What if a prison bus crashed into the barn from Charlotte’s Web?

Shoney’s

Do you suck at choosing things? Then how about a smorgasborg of average food? Specifically, you can head on down to Shoney’s and fill up your feed bag from their breakfast buffet. Hope you like your eggs scrambled, your bacon crispy, and your cheese..uh, cheesy?

Actually, there’s a pretty damn large selection at the buffet…ON WILMA RUDOLPH. This is usually the one we call “the smelly Shoney’s”, while Riverside has “the nice Shoney’s”. BUT, since Riverside “upgraded” after the floods, they drastically shrunk down the amount of food on the buffet. There are fewer dishes, and therefore lesser value. I don’t eat at the Riverside location anymore, period.

But the smelly Shoney’s has a full-on buffet with the aforementioned food, plus a salad bar, and random boxes of cereal. It’s adequate, and you can easily jump in and out without too much fuss. You might miss certain breakfast items like hashbrowns (they have potatoes) or pancakes (you have to pay separately).

The only other potential issue is the service. I’ve actually had pretty good service most of the time, but my friends recently related a horror story of a moocow that struggled to refill drinks, bring out dishes, or be human. Hopefully this is just an isolated incident…

Conclusion – A cornucopia of food and smells and whozits and whatzits…unlimited opportunities to be disappointed!

So what else we got?

There’s other choices I don’t really mention because I don’t know a whole lot about them. Moss’s is supposed to be Christ on a cracker, but I hadn’t made it out that way. People swear by it and dine every week…guess I need to make it out there right?

But at the end of the (Sun)day, it’s up to you to decide if you want to deal with the CWL’s, the questionable people and their smells, and screaming kids in their Easter dresses.

I think I might just stick to grabbing a Burger King crossanwich and watching some Netflix at the house…

4 Comments

  1. David

    You can get a good breakfast at Robins Diner, but just during breakfast hours. Kellys and Johnnys also good breakfast.

  2. Ada

    What about G’s Pancake House? I have always wondered about that place.

  3. Ada

    And Silkies

  4. Chop

    G’s is alright. The one on Riverside had a buffet for a while a few years back. Hardee’s is is the truth for breakfast right behind Kelly’s and Shoney’s

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