Spring Forward

sun

Spring starts this week, although I’m sure many of you thought that it has actually been going on for the last 3 weeks. With that in mind, let’s see what you have to look forward to this spring….

THE HOTTEST YEAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE

Rather than deliver a liberal rant about global warming destroying civilization or a conservative rant about the heat is God’s punishment for America’s sins, I’ll just say that this year will be HOT AS BALLS. Also, we’re all doomed.

 

The ice cream trucks with their creepy music will be making their rounds. The 37 Sonic’s we have will be slammed from sunrise to sunset. Every lower-middle class family will take their tax return and purchase an “Easy Set Pool”. None of them will be used by July, as people soon realize that an Easy Set Pool in the middle of summer is a boiling death trap that Gargamel would use to boil Smurfs in to obtain their magical goodness.

 

What fantastical mysteries await Clarksville? We always say it’s hell here, but the temperature might match our moods in a few short weeks…

 

350% Sales Increase of Coochie Cutters and Wife Beaters

Why can you only find long sleeve shirts and dress pants at the CityThrift? Well, that’s because people are going to be stocking up for this long, hot, spring. Asses and arm fat will be hanging out like never before, and that’s not a good thing. People in Clarksville tend to lack this thing called “shame”, so even the 350-pound beasts from the east will be exposing 13 inches of skin above the knee. If there’s a plus side to this, hopefully fewer soldiers will be lured into the lairs of ham-monsters that tend to hide their buckets of fat under moo-moo’s and all-weather tarps.

 

But it’s not just the ladies that will be embarassing themselves. More men this year will be slapping on the thin cotton-y goodness of a wifebeater. Hopefully that’s all the slapping they’ll be doing… but I doubt it. Something about whitey, tighty, sleeveless tees causes the men to drink too many Busch Lights and get arrested for domestic assault.

 

On the plus side, it looks like it might be a busy year for ClarksvilleWTF mugshots!

 

Jurassic Bugs

I'm assuming this is what's next

Last summer I watched a 5″ hornet grab a 6″ dragonfly, disable it, and drag it under the patio, where I assume it met a dark, rapey, death. I can’t imagine what the hell we have to look forward to this year.

 

People have been complaining about mosquitos for several weeks. Ants are already building trails to the nearest garage. Junebugs will probably be arriving at the beginning of April (early bastards). At this rate the mud wasp will soon become the Tennessee state bird.

 

Screw this, I’m calling Orkin now. I’m guessing they’re already booked up until September.

 

Lawnmower battle royale (w/cheese)

 

Speaking of being booked up, the great mower battles of 2012 will continue. Every country boy with a dream of owning their own business will be knocking door to door, trying to be your next lawnmower man. Read this old article about their trials and tribulations…

 


 

But you get the point, right? All the large and lazy people we talked about earlier won’t really be in the mood to hop on their Murray mowers, and they for damn sure won’t want to push anything that doesn’t include the words “honey glazed” or “double frosted”.

 

Smelliest Event Season Ever

Boxed wine = best wine

 

As if you didn’t have enough reasons to stay inside, this is sure to be the most ‘stank’ year ever. Take premature heat waves, sweaty mouth breathers, and overpopulated events, and you’ve got a formula for a B.O. bonanza.

 

This might be the worst year ever to attend Jazz on the Lawn. Alto saxaphones won’t be the only things belting out funk this summer. And a bottle of Harmony isn’t gonna be enough to drown out the smell of Subway sandwiches and Boone’s Farm people sneak in.

 

Oh God, and Rivers and Spires and Riverfest? It will never be a more appropriate time to name an event after Ol’ Smelly (AKA Cumberland River). The literally unwashed masses will tumble from booth to booth, grabbing swag bags full of free ink pens and buttons from mediocre banks. I know I’ll be there looking for a Scentsy booth so I can try to mask the ass smell.

 

So we might be paying for a mild winter. I didn’t really miss the 5 degree mornings, but I’m also not looking forward to 100+ degree Saturdays.

 

I guess my point is this:

 

I’m a whiny bastard and I want things to be exactly like I want them.

4 Comments

  1. MooCow

    WooHoo!!! All them rednecks gonna make it rain… sweat, up in WallyWorld! I was thinking about your most awesome lawn wars piece from last year earlier today… still brings a bit of joy to my heart to remember the words, “15 foot weed eaters powered by tears of Jesus.” Come to think of it, I may very well have seen one of those last year… Watch out for the mutant bugs, and avoid the puddles at WallyWorld… that might not be sweat you’re stepping through. 🙂

  2. Dee

    That nasty bitch in the coochie cutters needed to be shot on site… I’m fat but you wont catch me in wally world with panties on that I “claim” are shorts… Jeans and a tank top… No one has any shame anymore… Oh and you’re right about the B.O. which is another reason I steer clear of those events and I can’t stand being next to a river that smells like a dirty toilet, and I’ve literally seen tampons floating in that river… disgusting! Anyways you totally made me laugh my ass off and for that I thank you!

  3. Coco

    Don’t forget The Coup tent at Rivers and Spires! That place will be swarming with stank ass hipsters who will justify their homicidal b.o. with rantings of loving mother earth and going green. “Whoa man, like, do you know that corporations WANT you to take showers, I’m, like, totally anti-establishment”. Yeahhhh. They’ll also be playing shitty music at ear splitting levels just to prove they aren’t as country as the rest of this town. We get it, you’re fucking cool. You’re so cool you equate noise for “art”, and think we’ll all too “mainstream” to get it. But let me clarify dudes, I’m not mainstream, and guess what? IT SUCKS. In addition to the stank and the pretension, they’ll also be serving up some self-righteous, indignant, rants about how they are changing the “scene” of CVille. Yeah bro, your ironic t-shirt from Urban Outfitters, thrift store bike, and tall can of PBR, are totally world changing statements, you’re a fucking revolutionary. Truth is dudes, if you were cool at all, you wouldn’t be playing at Rivers and Spires in goddamn Clarksville, TN in the first place. But, whatever, I’ll totally be there.

  4. Coco

    Um, this is embarrassing but, I totally mistyped a word in my hipster hating rant above. I wrote “we”ll” instead of “we’re”. I swear, I’m not stupid, just drunk. My bad.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *