I’ll preface this article with a comment…I do not hate children. People often equate their dogs to their children, and I’d usually call them insane pet owners except for one idea. Both children and pets are by-products of their parents (owners). If you suck as a parent (or pet owner), then your respective child (or pet) will suck as a functioning member of society.
So when I say that this is a list of restaurants ruined by kids, I mean the kids that decided not to leave the terrible twos and still are annoying in their terrible twelves. You pay good money for an experience that includes quality food and service. So when kids rock the boat, it’s aggravating, especially when the manager can’t step in and backhand the parent (because hitting kids is wrong, mmm’kay?) and tell them to get their order to go.
With that, on to our top ten!
10. Olive Garden
When you want to impress your date but don’t want to really impress your date, you go to Clarksville’s best Italian restaurant (note: that’s not a compliment). You’ve got fake authentic Italian music, 200% mark-up wine, and just enough customer service to make you feel like you aren’t being completely ripped off.
That is, until a thrashing child in the booth behind you can’t sit still and screams “SPAGHJETTTIIISSSSS!!!” Yep, that’s what they got bastard. Now STFU and eat. You know mom and dad aren’t gonna jump in and help either. They’re too busy getting an extra side of ranch dressing with their unlimited salad. By the way, who the hell orders ranch dressing with Olive Garden salad?
What goes better with a 20 dollar steak and mug of Black and Tan than a screaming 5 year old? You might wait for 90 minutes for a table at the Blackhorse, which adds to the frustration when you get to hear an infant belt out a death metal call from his over-sized, aisle-blocking child carrier. If you’re there for a drink, you might be able to drown out the cries with (several) glasses of alcoholic beverages…but might you feel a little guilty for getting hammered around children? (I mean, I don’t, but to each their own)
Speaking of guilt, how about “boob guilt”? I sometimes wonder what mom and dad are thinking when they bring Junior on down to Hooter’s for unlimited Wingsday. If it’s only the father bringing in his teenage son, I guess it’s just a little bonding time before he turns old enough to get his first lapdance (also accompanied by dear old dad). But what’s pop thinking when he brings in his elementary school-aged daughter?
Keep reaching for your dreams, darlin’! You can be anything you want to be…a scientist, an astronaut, a wing slinger with some bodacious tatas propped up on a serving tray!
7. Any Japanese Steakhouse
We can all agree that the Hananoki’s, Yamato’s, and Shogun’s of Clarksville can quickly vacuum the cash out of your wallet. Can we also agree that a child asking 30-40 annoying questions at the chef is not part of the enjoyable experience? There’s a man spinning knives and lighting oil fires 3 feet from your face, and you have an 8-year old asking “HOW DO YOU DO THE FIRE TRAIN AND CAN YOU CUT THE RICE LIKE AN ELEPHANT AND ONE TIME I DID THE FRENCH FRIES WITH A PLATE AND DORA THE EXPLORER BLAHBLAHBLAHSHUTUPNOCARES.”
Like this kid.
…and OH, if you get a cook with a low comprehension of English, that’s the most awkward conversation you’ll ever see. It’s like a drunk midget talking to a deaf koala bear.
6. Chinese Buffet
This is more a problem with the parents, and it’s a two-parter. In the first instance, you’ve got the parent that doesn’t mind letting their 4-year old make his own scalding bowl of soup all alone. He can barely see over the damn top of the bar, but let’s go ahead and let him permanently disfigure himself. At the very least he’ll spill enough food on the floor to feed Uganda for a month.
Second case, you’ve got the straight up asshole parent that comes for dinner only for crab legs, and then sends their kids to scoop up any fresh ones that appear at the bar. You fat sack of crap. You’re too lazy to get your own food, then you set up your kids to snipe any crab legs at the buffet. I hope you meet my friends Sal and Monella, and promptly get food poisioning so vicious that the only crabs you think about are the ones you already have in your crotch.
5. Golden Corral
I know what you’re thinking. “How can Golden Corral be ruined? Wasn’t it ruined simply by existing?” Good point, but have you met the EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD? It’s the “Golden Corral Santorum Fountain” (copyright ClarksvilleWTF.com), and it’s waiting for you to shove your banana all up in it.
But that’s not what happens. You can likely guess what happens when you leave an unattended running browntown fountain. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry (mostly Dick’s though) walks over to it and proceeds to shove their…
- Ice Cream Cones
- Random desserts
- Chicken legs
directly into the choco-sploosh. C’mon people, try to act like you got some damn sense. Kids doing that, plus the same problem with unattended kids at Chinese buffet, and you got a mess at the GC.
4. Cici’s Pizza
Apparently sponsored by Disney XD and Nickelodeon, Cici’s has 2 or 3 TV’s blaring the most annoying teen programming I’ve ever seen. Is it wrong for me to say that I miss Miley Cyrus? Because whatever the hell replaced her is slowing drilling into my brain. Just like this:
The actual kids stumble all over the pizza buffet to get 30 or 40 pieces of whatever it is you were wanting, only eating half of them. The little side arcade is actually a nice beacon of hope though. It pulls them away from the food long enough for you to get a few scraps. Praise Allah.
3. Waffle House
You’ve got trailer park kids jumping around in a restaurant that look like a trailer. Nice… This ain’t helping my hangover.
2. Taco Bell (and many other fast food joints)
I like eateries where you can refill your own drink. I hate to bother shitty waitresses when they suck at refilling beverages, and I have no problem doing it on my own. This is just one reason I like Taco Bell…except that their refill station is crammed into some dark corner where only half a human can fit. Sure enough, every time I want another drink (because I obviously need more HFCS) there’s some left behind minor randomly filling their cup with half-Pepsi, half-Mountain Dew Baja Blast.
So I wait, and wait, and cough, and look around awkwardly, and wait. I don’t wanna walk up on some kid, because I’m personally not a fan of looking like a giant pedo blocking a child into a dark corner with only a double-decker taco to protect him/herself. So I wait…
The next Bill Cosby “Kids” show should be “HOLY HEEBA JEEBA KIDS LUV DER PIZZA AND DER PASTA ZUPPITY DOOOO!” Fazoli’s is far from fancy, as it’s whole gimmick is to serve up cheap somewhat Italian-tasting food. It mostly succeeds, and in the worst case scenario you can suck up the sucky parts with unlimited breadsticks.
So, kids love Italian food. Parents love saving cash on dinner. Fazoli’s is like a tornado and an earthquake hitting a fireworks factory during a flamethrower convention. Kids are looouuuuuud, and the restaurant is so wide open that you can hear a toddler toot from the opposite corner. Look, I just want to concentrate on wolfing down my 4 dollar “marinara” sauce and spaghetti (IF THAT’S WHAT IT REALLY IS).
Fazoli’s is the culmination of everything we find difficult about dealing with kids at a restaurant. They cater to kids with kids’ meals and crayons. They have cheap food. It’s all pizza and pasta.
You know what? Maybe Fazoli’s wasn’t made for me…maybe they want me to get the hell out so they can go back to serving the kids and sad parents of Clarksville. I get it guys.
Well, that’s our review. I hope it filled you with rage and made you call me a child-hater. Before someone decides to say “It’s obvious you don’t have kids,” let me say…hell yes it’s obvious.
I enjoy my free time.