Door-To-Door Wars

 

A door-to-door salesman was alarmed to find a shotgun pointed at him yesterday when he tried a little too hard to close that extra sale. You know those kids that knock on your door every day trying to sell you a “life-changing” cleanser (even though they’re wearing a dirty shirt and smell)? Well this 20-year old was trying to sell his fantastical alarm system, and was given a stern “NO” by the homeowner Kenneth Spurlock. Actually, his mouth said “no” but his body said “I am holding a shotgun at my front door.” Yeah, he met him with his random-gauge shotgun and kindly asked him to leave.

 

That’s when 99.9% of salesmen would have said “Oh shi…have a nice day” and moved on to the next house. But this kid was also armed…with persistence! If the Shamwow guy taught him anything (besides not kissing a hooker), it was that you’ve really gotta push for that sale. ┬áSo he kept trying to seal the deal (must have been selling gun oil.)

 

So Spurlock did what any mild-mannered Tennessean living in the suburbs would do and fired off a warning shot 7 to 10 feet away from the salesman. At that point the salesman said “good day”, crapped his pants, and promptly called the cops. The cops arrested Spurlock for aggravated assault and reckless endangerment, when I’m sure he was just trying to get back to the new episode of American Pickers.

 

Look, we all hate door-to-door salesmen. They irritate, they invade our personal space, and sometimes they even push into our homes and try to steal shit. They’re not funny, and their fake smiles look like they’re hiding a self-loathing rage due to their terrible situation in life. But don’t go and get yourself arrested because some jerkwad is interrupting your dinner of Hot Pockets and Cheetos.

 

We know none of them are like this guy (who I might actually buy something from):

 

 

Here’s a few techniques I’ve employed to keep away those pesky FBLA-members…

 

Hide quietly: Sometimes you’ll spot them walking towards your house, wearing a fancy polo and khaki shorts. If you can get the jump on them, quickly lower all shades, close the front door, and kill every light and sound in your house. I like to pretend I’m chilling in Anne Frank’s attic, trying to hide from the evil Nazis trying to sell me term life insurance.

 

Hide loudly: Maybe you’re already chilling in your house with the TV on when you hear the doorbell or a knock at the front door. It’s too late to pretend you’re not there, so crank the TV/stereo up to 11, and ignore the bad vibes till they leave. I like to keep a really loud porno DVD ready at all times in case I need to make it more awkward than the salesman knowing I’m there and ignoring him.

 


 

Sell Something Back: Have a VCR or toaster you’ve been trying to get rid of? As he begins his pitch of whatever amazing new product he’s hawking, interrupt him with an offer to sell him your Season 1 DVD’s of Wings at the low, low, price of only $45. He might be confused or even upset at first, but once he realizes the savings that you’re offering, I’m sure he won’t be able to turn you down.

 

 

Religion: What’s your favorite crazy religion? Scientology? Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Catholicism? When he begins to tell you about his good news, ask him if HE’S heard the good news about the return of your savior Xenu, the clam-based being that will wash all the negative souls from his body. Keep some pamphlets on hand, and ask if he’d like to make a donation to ensure his place in the eternal flying spaceship piloted by David Koresh and Morgan Freeman. Be sure to film the reaction and send it to us!

 

 

…or you could just have a “No Soliciting” sign: Seriously, this is all I’ve needed. I haven’t had any tween-aged kids trying to sell me window cleaner in months. I’ve watched a few walk towards my door, see the sign, and keep on walking. If they ignore the sign and knock anyway, politely point at it when they’re at your door. When they still want a moment of your time, take that moment to point at the sign again. Then politely close the door. If that still doesn’t work, politely call the police and…

 

…you know what? Just typing this article pisses me off. Where’s my shotgun?

5 Comments

  1. tlyons

    If only they would respect the sign. From my experience, it doesn’t matter if you have a no solicitor sign on your mailbox and above your door, they still come up. As you open the door they say” oh I just saw your sign, but I’m not trying to sell you anything, I wanted to know if you want this alarm system for free….”

    Maybe now when some of us mention that we guard our houses with rifles and pistols, they might believe it!!

  2. Justice

    Yes, I hate being solicited door to door, but I got one of those natural cleaner guys and I felt bad for him and paid him. It can’t be easy to be African American cold knocking on doors throughout the South. Clearly I was right.

  3. Justice

    P.S., the cleaner does work well, although I wish he hadn’t found it necessary to lick it to demonstrate its safety.

  4. Dr. K

    I hate salesman as much as the next guy but I would prob. buy from Kenny Brooks.

  5. uncle ruckus

    you got scammed by a buck,avoid the groid

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