Open Letter From The Dogs Of Clarksville

 

Editor’s Note:

Today we have a letter from the dogs of Clarksville.  I don’t know about you, but there are a metric shitload of stray dogs in my neighborhood, and nowhere near enough people to take care of them.



You really don’t need a dog. Yeah, it sounds like the American dream to have a canine companion running around the back yard, playing fetch and defending the family against intruders. But let’s take an honest look at your life:

 

-Your front yard is larger than your back yard, and even then you’ve only got 20 feet of space separating your front door and the semi that will smash your new best friend.

 

-You struggle to make more than a package of ramen for dinner.

 

-You’re too busy to play fetch because you’re watching “The Voice”, whatever the hell that is.

 

-You watch “The Voice”. Obviously you aren’t smart enough to own a dog.

 

-You’d probably lose your shit if a dog destroyed your “collectible” Bud Light posters.

 

-You really think you’ll buy Frontline for your dog? You get pissed when you have to buy Great Value aspirin.

 

-Your house already smells like cat urine…yet you don’t own a cat. That’s concerning.

 


 

-Despite what beer commericals say, dogs can’t open the fridge, grab a beer, open it, pour it, and solve a Rubik’s cube at the same time.

 

-No, you shouldn’t take a dog to Tippers for ladies night.

 

-Just because Clarksville has a dog park, that doesn’t mean you can leave it there. It’s not a child you leave at Gamestop.

 

-Dogs can’t eat exclusively from the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s.

 

-When you get arrested over the weekend, you’ll have to find someone that can feed it.

 

-The only commercial your dog might be in is one where Sarah McLachlan is asking for help.

 

-You think you might want a “purse dog” , but when you find it under a couch cushion 3 weeks later you’ll have some explaining to do.

 

-You’re seven-year old child is crying about not having a dog. But he’s illiterate, so maybe you should work on that opportunity first.

 

I’m not saying you can’t have a dog, but that’s only because I can’t stop you. Oh, dear Canine Jehovah up in Dog Heaven, how I wish I could strike you down before you pick up a dog off a pick-up truck at the Two Rivers Mall parking lot.

 

I only hope I can convince you that you likely suck as a person, parent, and human.
And that there’s around a 93% chance that you don’t need to get a dog.

 

Honestly, if NONE of the above applies to you, then MAYBE you should stop by the local animal shelter and see if a dog will fit into your terrible, Clarksvillian life. You might be able to make a difference…and I guess now that I think about it, you might keep a nice, loving animal from getting in the hands of one of those people…

1 Comment

  1. Coco

    Also, leaving the window open a couple inches on a 100 degree day, while you meander your fat ass around Walmart, is not some sort of canine air conditioning. It’s still hot as fuck inside your gas guzzling penis extension.

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