Asian Cuisine

Won’t you take me to, Asiatown? Won’t you take me to, Asiatown? All stereotypical jokes aside, here’s a who’s who of Asian cuisine. Holy shit, there’s a lot of them.

We’re still fleshing this page out, but you should also check out this post at our friend Little Neko’s site for info on local Clarksville Asian dining choices:

REVIEW LEGEND:

EDIBILITY? Will you be eating something at least as good as what you’d get in prison? Or will you feel like a Fear Factor reject? (Remember that show? Yeah, it totally sucked, right?)

GIVE A SHIT? You know the phrases “I don’t give a shit” or “I could give 2 shits”? Well, this is a five shit scale, so the more shits the better! (FIVE SHITS?! THAT’S A LOT OF SHITS!)

FINAL VERDICT? So you’ve decided to eat in Clarksville, huh? Much like the divorced former homecoming queen that settled for the 300 lb night shift manager at Long John silver’s, you gave up and gave in. We’ll see if it’s worth the tears and prescriptions.

    Kohana

EDIBILITY? 4 out of 5. The sushi is outstanding. There’s a world of rolls here. Some are fried, some are shaped like catepillars and butterflies. All of them have something that make the food at Kohana some of the best in Clarksville. There’s other Japanese faire on the menu like tempura chicken and shrimp, as well as udon soups and noodle dishes. These aren’t nearly as outstanding, but how could they be when the sushi rocks my boxers to this degree? My usual plan? Rolls and rolls, plus a bowl of side soup and salad. NOTE: SUSHI IS EXPENSIVE. YOU WILL SPEND A LOT OF DOLLARS HERE. BUT IT IS WORTH IT.

GIVE A SHIT? 4 out of 5. Ask your server what they like and they’ll tell you. They know what they like and will give you some excellent suggestions. You get a hot towel and friendly conversation at Kohana. Sometimes they seem to slip a little on getting back to your table though… Now that all the pretentious people and jerkoffs in Clarksville have found out about this place, these folks stay busy.

FINAL VERDICT? 5 out of 5. If you like sushi, eat here. The decor is elegant despite the size of the restaurant. All-white chairs and walls give the joint an attractive finish. Honestly, I skip most of the main dishes and just get an app or soup/salad and have a sushi dinner. That’s because some of the main dishes (e.g. Yaki udon) don’t quite compare to Nashville and other joints. Definitely a place to take a date. Unless she doesn’t like sushi, which means she’s a prude and won’t have sex with you so go ahead and dump her and find you a nice whore to take to Kohana. But tell her to take a shower first.

    Chopsticks (Drive-thru)

EDIBILITY? 2 out of 5. Wow, did La Choy open a restaurant? In addition to being a visual eyesore, Chopsticks attacks the taste buds with a blast of blandness. Everything has that, “Good Housekeeping” recipe taste. The soggy General Tsao’s chicken should be all I have to mention.

GIVE A SHIT? 4 out of 5. It’s a shame about the food, because the people there were super-friendly. Sorry, but nice guys don’t always make nice food.

FINAL VERDICT? 2.5 out of 5. If they’re still open in a few months, maybe you should try a lunch portion to see if they’ve improved. I can’t imagine this place surviving the cold, cold, winter. Maybe they’ll get lucky.

    Jade Dragon

EDIBILITY? 1 out of 5. More like Jaded Dragon. This joint has won “Best Chinese” in the Best of Clarksville awards several times. Now, that either means we have some terrible Chinese, or the Best of Clarksville awards only go to places that pay a fee to be in the contest (GUESS WHICH ONE???) I’ve had food in the restaurant, and I’ve had it delivered. It’s great that they’ll take food anywhere around town to your house, but it suffers when it gets there. The blandest Chinese food I think I’ve ever had. Also, don’t order the steamed dumplings to go, because they will all be ass-rammed into a tiny take-out box and be one giant glop of dough once you get it home. For fuck’s sake guys.

GIVE A SHIT? 2 out of 5. They gotten delivery orders wrong almost every time. I don’t blame the language barrier either because the person on the phone was a plain American teen. Maybe I should blame how stupid today’s youth are. Or maybe I should just stop eating here. Wait, that’s actually a good idea!

FINAL VERDICT? 1 out of 5. They’ll bring it to your house, but do you actually want it? There’s too many other places to get good food to waste your cash here. Another quick story…I ordered sushi there once, and I could smell the fish from the kitchen. It’s bad when the sushi at Kroger’s looks more appealing. It’s about as fresh as a Bill Clinton joke. Old bland food, old bland restaurant. Just say no.

    New Korea Restaurant

EDIBILITY? 4 out of 5 – Word of warning — eat off of the menu. They have an all-you-can-eat buffet, and if you don’t know shiz about Korean food you’ll get an OK mix off of it there. But for the freshest, best-tasting Korean food in Clarksville, order bulgogi (marinated beef), kalbi (BBQ short ribs), or chap chae (noodles with slices of beef) off the menu at New Korea Restaurant. The prices are OK, but the menu is quite large. They have Chinese dishes as well, but why would you order that at a place called “New Korea”? Also, there are some crazy big ass bowls of soup with squid and everything else, so no shortage of uniqueness here.

GIVE A SHIT? 3 out of 5 – I’ve had mixed results here. Everyone has always tried to keep refills coming and service tight, but on busy nights they tend to get a bit flustered and behind. They keep the focus on the food, but the service is great some nights, scary others.

FINAL VERDICT? 4 out of 5 – If you like Korean food and lots of it, try this place out. It’s a hole in the wall, and the decor is decidely out-of-touch (hello floral printed walls from the 80’s). But you get 8 little dishes of kimchee, bean sprouts, and other fixins’, so it’s a suprisingly unique experience in Clarksville. It’s all about the food here. Oh, and if you wanna be an ass and say Korean food is actually dog, that’s funny, because so was your mom. Last night. At my house. That’s right.

    May’s Wok

EDIBILITY? 3 out of 5. It’s take-out Chinese food in a mall. That previous statement might scare you, but guess what? May’s Wok rocks. You can get a main dish and 2 sides for about 6 bucks. The daily special rotates every day (examples include Orange Chicken or Beef and Broccoli), or you can get classic standbys like pepper beef or hot wings. A to-go box from May’s is the perfect amount of food for lunch. Get lo mein, cheese rangoon, and royal beef and get your day started.

GIVE A SHIT? 4 out of 5. There’s almost always a friendly older Chinese lady that will quickly box up your order and have you on your way. Even when there’s a line you won’t wait long. Unless they’ve run out of something, which they will work on fixing right away.

FINAL VERDICT? 3.5 out of 5. When I call May’s the McDonald’s of Clarksville Chinese food, I do that as a complement. It’s great that I can walk in and out and have good food in 3 minutes. The only time I’ve ever gotten sick from mall food was at a different Chinese mall restaurant where the food looked 2 days old. I’ve never had that problem here, because all the food tastes fresh. Quite an accomplishment considering it’s at the Hood Rat Square Mall.

    Brand New China King (Chinese Place by APSU)

EDIBILITY? 3.5 out of 5. This Chinese take-out/delivery joint a block from APSU surprised the hell out of me. I’d gotten so used to the foot-rot from Jade Dragon I forgot that Chinese delivery is supposed to be good! I love the steamed dumplings, crab rangoon, and house lo mein here. All the prices weren’t bad, and they’ve got free add-on coupons when you spend a few dollars more. All the main dishes have been great (eat-in or delivery), and I’ve haven’t been disappointed yet.

GIVE A SHIT? 3 out of 5. You call, they take order. The end. Oh wait, that’s right. They haven’t f’d up my order like Jade Dragon always has. So kudos “Brand New”! You have basic communication skills!

FINAL VERDICT? If they deliver to your house, give them a call. The food is hot and fresh, and it doesn’t hurt how late they are open. I’ve been able to stop here around midnight on the weekend and get food, awesome! No more Wanchai Ferry for me!

    Shogun

EDIBILITY? 3.5 out of 5. There’s two pieces to this equation — sushi and hibachi. The sushi is great, but the prices can beat you up a bit. They rotate special rolls and have a large selection of rolls they can create. Never been disappointed with what they make. The hibachi part of the restaurant has you sit with friends (or strangers) around the grill while a chef chops, flips, and serves food right on your plate. It’s pretty standard everywhere you go, but Shogun has got the formula down. The food is well-seasoned, and it feels like they earn the relatively high price.

GIVE A SHIT? 3.5 out of 5. The waitresses get flustered on busy nights, and generally run and serve with no time for love, Dr. Jones. But the chefs here are usually top notch. They’ve been great at getting a laugh out of the table and make it more of an experience than a meal. Plus if it’s your birthday you can get a picture and a wacky drum song for a few bucks.

FINAL VERDICT? 4 out of 5. This is still my go-to choice for hibachi style Japanese food in Clarksville. I like the open comfortable seating in the sushi restaurant, and the low classy lighting in the hibachi area. In my opinion the cooked dishes are better here than at Hananoki, and it’s just… better.

    China Wok

(in Governor’s Square New Food Court) –
Adequate. WTF staff ate here on 2-10-2011. It was super busy but the service was fairly fast. All of the food is pretty much cooked and served like a high school cafeteria. Prices however, seemed a little steep as a mid-priced combo with a drink was nearly ten dollars. Food in a mall however is always gonna be a little more expensive it seems.
Edibility: After ordering Orange Chicken, fried rice, and the same ol’ vegetables that always come with Chinese food, I was surprised to discover that instead of tasting like…Orange Chicken, it just tasted like chicken drenched in high fructose corn syrup. Chinese food is a staple of the WTF staff however, we did not finish our lunch. 2.5 OUT OF 5. It wasn’t bad, but I won’t get it again.

Give A Shit: You are not waited on in the food court so of course they have a very limited chance to make an impression on you. Everyone who served us i.e. took our money, was friendly, but the line does seem to move a little slow. 4 out of 5.

Final Verdict: It is new, and the Justin Bieber movie was premiering at the same time we were having lunch, so the staff seemed mobbed by the tweens and their pageant mom’s trying to cram down fried rice before stiffing their sexual desires for some Bieber. Typically we will never rate a restaurant so soon after opening to give them time to get into their groove. Hopefully, our issues with the food will be addressed soon, and their suck factor will be nonexistent. We will give it another chance…someday.

Now to cover the buffets in….

NEW IRON BUFFET DRAGON JADE CHINA CHOPSTICK CROWN KING CHEF BATTLE (OF THE EAST)!

    I’m not gonna wax poetic on the 74 buffets in town. No fucking way. Here’s a crash course on a few places:

    China King (Lowes Dr.) – Good variety of food on the buffet, typically fresh. Best “buffet” sushi and grill. Nice non-stuffy atmosphere. Bunch of koi fish to stare at when you walk in. Usually most attractive waitresses (that’s right I went there.)

    China King (the other one in New Providence) – Similar food, less success on sushi and atmosphere.

    New China (next to Exit 11 Wal-mart) – Very good variety of buffet food. “Meh” sushi. Good grill. OK atmosphere, definitely stuffy on Sundays, because Christians love it when pagans serve them food. FUCKING HILARIOUS BIRTHDAY SONG. Seriously, if you hear “Happy Birthday” playing on the loud speaker, look around and watch the wait staff scramble to a table to sing for the unfortunate soul. I can’t imagine anyone doing this for any reason other than to prank and embarass someone.

    Chopsticks buffet (Exit 4) – HOW IS THIS PLACE STILL OPEN? I have never seen more than 2 cars here. Maybe it’s Clarksville hidden emerald? Or maybe it’s a front for cheaply made iPad knockoffs. Who knows…

    Crown of East (Wilma Rudolph) – Haven’t eaten here, but I’m sure they have Chinese food. Do you really need me to explain? I did see an ad for “$12.99 all you can eat” lobster there, which totally reminded me of this commercial.

    Jade Dragon (buffet, Ft. Campbell Blvd.) – All the awfulness of the other location, NOW IN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET FORM!

    Conclusion – I like the ones with “China” in their name, most of the time.

Don’t see your most favorite/hated Asian joint listed? SEND IN A REVIEW!

Places not reviewed yet:

Fujiyama
Hong Kong Garden
Redwood
Hananoki
Yamato
Sakura

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