I have to say that Alex did a pretty kickass job. Let’s enjoy:

Dos Equis, more like Douches Aqui.

Ah Tennessee...why must my liver rest on the Sabbath?

He's on a roll with the Chinese buffet slams.

true dat.

Be honest, you can't hear shit from the porta-potty seats...

It's our legacy.

Thanks for images Alex!  Clarksville, feel free to send more in (unless they suck, then don’t.)

A door-to-door salesman was alarmed to find a shotgun pointed at him yesterday when he tried a little too hard to close that extra sale. You know those kids that knock on your door every day trying to sell you a “life-changing” cleanser (even though they’re wearing a dirty shirt and smell)? Well this 20-year old was trying to sell his fantastical alarm system, and was given a stern “NO” by the homeowner Kenneth Spurlock. Actually, his mouth said “no” but his body said “I am holding a shotgun at my front door.” Yeah, he met him with his random-gauge shotgun and kindly asked him to leave.

That’s when 99.9% of salesmen would have said “Oh shi…have a nice day” and moved on to the next house. But this kid was also armed…with persistence! If the Shamwow guy taught him anything (besides not kissing a hooker), it was that you’ve really gotta push for that sale.  So he kept trying to seal the deal (must have been selling gun oil.)

So Spurlock did what any mild-mannered Tennessean living in the suburbs would do and fired off a warning shot 7 to 10 feet away from the salesman. At that point the salesman said “good day”, crapped his pants, and promptly called the cops. The cops arrested Spurlock for aggravated assault and reckless endangerment, when I’m sure he was just trying to get back to the new episode of American Pickers.

Look, we all hate door-to-door salesmen. They irritate, they invade our personal space, and sometimes they even push into our homes and try to steal shit. They’re not funny, and their fake smiles look like they’re hiding a self-loathing rage due to their terrible situation in life. But don’t go and get yourself arrested because some jerkwad is interrupting your dinner of Hot Pockets and Cheetos.

We know none of them are like this guy (who I might actually buy something from):

Here’s a few techniques I’ve employed to keep away those pesky FBLA-members…

Hide quietly: Sometimes you’ll spot them walking towards your house, wearing a fancy polo and khaki shorts. If you can get the jump on them, quickly lower all shades, close the front door, and kill every light and sound in your house. I like to pretend I’m chilling in Anne Frank’s attic, trying to hide from the evil Nazis trying to sell me term life insurance.

Hide loudly: Maybe you’re already chilling in your house with the TV on when you hear the doorbell or a knock at the front door. It’s too late to pretend you’re not there, so crank the TV/stereo up to 11, and ignore the bad vibes till they leave. I like to keep a really loud porno DVD ready at all times in case I need to make it more awkward than the salesman knowing I’m there and ignoring him.

Sell Something Back: Have a VCR or toaster you’ve been trying to get rid of? As he begins his pitch of whatever amazing new product he’s hawking, interrupt him with an offer to sell him your Season 1 DVD’s of Wings at the low, low, price of only $45. He might be confused or even upset at first, but once he realizes the savings that you’re offering, I’m sure he won’t be able to turn you down.

Religion: What’s your favorite crazy religion? Scientology? Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Catholicism? When he begins to tell you about his good news, ask him if HE’S heard the good news about the return of your savior Xenu, the clam-based being that will wash all the negative souls from his body. Keep some pamphlets on hand, and ask if he’d like to make a donation to ensure his place in the eternal flying spaceship piloted by David Koresh and Morgan Freeman. Be sure to film the reaction and send it to us!

…or you could just have a “No Soliciting” sign: Seriously, this is all I’ve needed. I haven’t had any tween-aged kids trying to sell me window cleaner in months. I’ve watched a few walk towards my door, see the sign, and keep on walking. If they ignore the sign and knock anyway, politely point at it when they’re at your door. When they still want a moment of your time, take that moment to point at the sign again. Then politely close the door. If that still doesn’t work, politely call the police and…

…you know what? Just typing this article pisses me off. Where’s my shotgun?

First we have “Scummy Cumberland River”:

Next up is the always popular “Man in the Mall”:

..and of course it’s always nice to celebrate the accomplishments of Austin Peay State University:

Not too bad for a first round if I do say so myself.  Have any other ideas?  We’ve got a few that we’re working on.  Feel free to suggest!

You really don’t need a dog. Yeah, it sounds like the American dream to have a canine companion running around the back yard, playing fetch and defending the family against intruders. But let’s take an honest look at your life:

-Your front yard is larger than your back yard, and even then you’ve only got 20 feet of space separating your front door and the semi that will smash your new best friend.

-You struggle to make more than a package of ramen for dinner.

-You’re too busy to play fetch because you’re watching “The Voice”, whatever the hell that is.

-You watch “The Voice”. Obviously you aren’t smart enough to own a dog.

-You’d probably lose your shit if a dog destroyed your “collectible” Bud Light posters.

-You really think you’ll buy Frontline for your dog? You get pissed when you have to buy Great Value aspirin.

-Your house already smells like cat urine…yet you don’t own a cat. That’s concerning.

-Despite what beer commericals say, dogs can’t open the fridge, grab a beer, open it, pour it, and solve a Rubik’s cube at the same time.

-No, you shouldn’t take a dog to Tippers for ladies night.

-Just because Clarksville has a dog park, that doesn’t mean you can leave it there. It’s not a child you leave at Gamestop.

-Dogs can’t eat exclusively from the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s.

-When you get arrested over the weekend, you’ll have to find someone that can feed it.

-The only commercial your dog might be in is one where Sarah McLachlan is asking for help.

-You think you might want a “purse dog” , but when you find it under a couch cushion 3 weeks later you’ll have some explaining to do.

-You’re seven-year old child is crying about not having a dog. But he’s illiterate, so maybe you should work on that opportunity first.

I’m not saying you can’t have a dog, but that’s only because I can’t stop you. Oh, dear Canine Jehovah up in Dog Heaven, how I wish I could strike you down before you pick up a dog off a pick-up truck at the Two Rivers Mall parking lot.

I only hope I can convince you that you likely suck as a person, parent, and human.
And that there’s around a 93% chance that you don’t need to get a dog.

Honestly, if NONE of the above applies to you, then MAYBE you should stop by the local animal shelter and see if a dog will fit into your terrible, Clarksvillian life. You might be able to make a difference…and I guess now that I think about it, you might keep a nice, loving animal from getting in the hands of one of those people…

He's just a common man...

Holy crap they arrested the guy from the “Earthquake Warning” video!!!

Pretty like a pony...

Is this one of those “bronies” I hear so much about? You know, the ones that love and dress up like characters from the new My Little Pony cartoon?

Awaiting his dashboard confessional...

Emo Todd just wants to someone to embrace the love in his light acoustic ballads and wipe his tears away while he washes dishes at Logan’s…

You got something...right...everywhere.

Already having to deal with his friends writing on his face while he slept, Ronald’s night only got worse…

Oh Tin-Tin, what adventures will you get into next???

That’s all for now…

Today we received two zany pictures of the same sign. Here’s the intro that was attached:

As I was driving down Trenton Road I noticed this sign and at first thought it was for a yard sale or something. But then I thought I saw the word “Pedophile”! No way, right? Had to stop and take a picture. Thought you’d enjoy!

 

Well, we totally did. This wasn’t a yard sale or lost puppy sign. It was just your friendly neighborhood announcement of a nearby pedophile:

THANKS BATMAN! (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Hear that crash? It’s the sound of house prices plummeting. But wait, there’s one more pic. The other side of the sign:

Nice...

So there’s pedophiles AND phedophiles, which I can only assume are people that are addicted to ephedrine. Someone was outraged enough to make this full-on sign with wacky orange flags and all. They also took enough time to spell the most important word right only one time. WTG buddy…

Would you do this in your neighborhood? You know it’s easy to find your local sex offenders, but would you go that extra mile and make a sign that you’d normally use to sell some old clothes and furniture?

I might do it…but only to put it someone’s yard I didn’t like.

So there’s a kid’s talent show (well, ages 3 to 20) at the upcoming Rivers and Spires. They’ll be dancing, singing, and living out the dreams of their parents on Friday the 20th downtown.

Word is that they had around 800 kids audition. Of this group, only 27 made it to the show. Beatings and beratings were administered to the other 773.

Of course, the real humor in all this comes through in the comments by the coordinator. She said that one of the contestants is “probably Whitney Houston’s replacement.” I can only assume she means that she can sing and not that coroners will be pulling her body out of a bathtub in 30 years after a cocaine binge. Another kid will be singing country music, but doubles as a model for Hollister…you know, Hollister, the brand all great country legends wear. Oh, he’s also a model? We all remember the great clothing line that Chet Atkins showed off in Esquire.

Few people remember Brooks and Dunn and their time at Hollister...

One group is bragged about by saying that “Little Big Town better watch out on them…” Whoever the hell Little Big Town are, I’d guess they’d best be careful (I’m aware they are headlining Rivers and Spires, but that’s a sad tale all its own).

 

I hope this girl shows up…
 

But you know, I’m not just here to berate kids trying to win some cash and get some much-needed attention and self esteem. It’s actually somewhat nice for them to think that Clarksville is supporting local talent…until you realize Clarksville’s history of supporting local talent.

Or should I say the lack thereof? Clarksville has continually gone out of its way to ensure that musical artists living IN CLARKSVILLE feel alienated. The city makes every effort to pull in talent from Nashville whenever possible (see…all the headliners).

Local bars only want bands that can play the same 15 Bad Company songs, and then they pay them the same amount they could have made running the drive-thru window at Taco Bell. For some reason, once the 12-year old singing sensation becomes a 25-year old adult that pours her passion into music or the guitar, Clarksville instantly stops giving 2 shits.

Hope you kids like "Heaven"

I actually hope for the best for all these singing and dancing kids. Despite my sarcasm, I hope they grow into amazing artists. With that in mind, I hope they also realize that they’ll need to take the “first train outta Clarksville” to find anyone that will give them the support they need to be successful.

A call was made to 911 due to a report of a man with child porn on his phone. When the police arrived, he gave the phone to the police. On the phone were naked photos of boys and girls under 18 getting it on…yikes.

 
So yep, he went to jail for sexually exploiting a minor (mostly because “being a dumbass” isn’t an available offense). People that get caught doing this fortunately tend to be pretty stupid, leaving it on their phone, viewing it on their laptop at Krystal, or spreading photos out on a table at the library. We can always count on the “stupid is, stupid does” rule.

But seriously, what the hell was wrong was this guy? Did he really need kiddy porn “on the go”? What situation makes this necessary?

“Wow, the bus sure is late…guess I’ll stare at this nude 12-year old on my iPhone.”

 
“Ma’am, I’m looking for some curtains that are off white…like the ones in this picture on my phone… Oh, just ignore the copulating teens on the bed… Anyway, I need them to be about 84″ long and…hey where ya’ going?”

 

Was this guy lamenting the lack of a “Kiddy Porn” program on the App Store? If only Steve Jobs hadn’t passed away before the iPedo app was finished…

Finally, the story goes that he received the pictures from an “unnamed source”. If by some slim, unlikely chance that a strange number was sending him nude underage pics, he didn’t delete them. He didn’t report the offending number. He didn’t reply “THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? PLEASE SLAM YOUR FACE INTO A KITCHEN DRAWER OF RANDOM STEAK KNIVES.”

 
So even if it was random or unplanned, the do-nothing rule made him guilty. Hope all of you are paying attention. If you get illegal shit sent to your phone, be an ass. Turn them in. Reply to them like they stole money from you. Wait for their mugshots to end up on ClarksvilleWTF…

As much as we go on and on about Clarksville, there actually is a more dysfunctional city right up the road called Hopkinsville. They’ve gone through decades of mismanagement that has led to them being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a closer look.

Years of Blown Chances

Did you know that Hopkinsville and Clarksville used to have the same population? Check the census numbers out…

For all you stat nerds out there...

The jumps in 1990, 2000, and 2010 in Clarksville compared to Hopkinsville are most alarming. Between 1980 and 2010 Hopkinsville gained 4,259 citizens. During that same time, Clarksville gained 83,602! What could cause this to happen? Having spoke to many people that live in Hoptown and Clarksville, there are a ton of excuses that get thrown around. At the same time, there are many specific examples people have given me where Hopkinsville has shot itself in the foot. Their refusal to accept change has led to their current state of stagnation. For part one of our story today let’s look at one explanation:

Old Money Prevents New Money

When people try to explain why Hopkinsville has only grown about 15% over the last 30 years, this is the number one reason I hear. Although it sounds conspiratorial, I keep hearing tales of new industries and businesses being kept out of town. The first examples I’m given are from the 80′s and 90′s, when old downtown businesses like Cayce-Yost had a say with the city council when it came to who could do what.

 
Cayce-Yost was a 2-floor building with outdated (even for the 80′s) merchandise, equipment, and ideas about retail located in scary Downtown Hopkinsville. As the Wal-Mart and K-Mart continued to flourish, downtown was dying. So in the early 90′s when Wal-Mart wanted to update their smaller store into a SuperCenter, old downtown pushed back. Did they upgrade their old buildings and inventory? No, they didn’t want to compete, because up to this point they never had.

The owners of old businesses fought and canoodled with city officials to get the Wal-Mart Supercenter rejected. The location for a SuperCenter was refused several more times, until they finally had to build outside of the main strip on Ft. Campbell Blvd. Not too long after, all the outdated and irrelevant retailers downtown disappeared. Instead of changing with the times, they tried to keep progress out of town.

 
By the way, let’s not mourn their loss in this example. “Mom and Pop” stores sound whimsical and sentimental, but in this case the stores were old, smelled like grandpa farts, overpriced, out of the way, and always closed when you needed them the most. You often hear that a store “can’t compete”, but usually it’s that they refuse to change. Hopkinsville might just be the capital city of “Refuse-to-change”-land.

 
There’s other examples I’ve been given. Hopkinsville (finally) got a Lowes’ a few years ago, after what seemed like ages. I’ve heard that they were originally going to get a Home Depot, until they were asked who did their appliance repairs. When it was found out that Home Depot did their own repairs, they were turned down, as it would have created competition for a local appliance repair shop. Lowes’ outsources their repairs…so they were allowed to build.

 
But the BEST (or worst) example of old money and old business killing growth is the death of a proposed shopping center on 41A several years ago. You can still see the proposed site if you drive a couple of miles past the Pennyrile Parkway, although an old “Coming Soon” sign has since been removed. Basically, a local investor was planning to open a full-on plaza, complete with a shopping center, a multi-screen theater, and a modernized bowling alley. Hopkinsville was (and still is) desperately in need of all three of these things, but none of it came to pass. The theater in Hopkinsville is a sad five screen affair, existing only because it’s the only one in town. But that’s nothing compared to…

 
…Indian Hills Bowl, Hoptown’s only craphouse bowling alley. It’s been around for decades, and it’s also been said that it was the number one reason the center didn’t happen. When the proposed bowling alley was announced, there was allegedly a push by many old-timers with vested interest in Indian Hills Bowl to keep it from being built. Whatever backdoor politics ensued, ultimately the new bowling alley was cancelled, and with it the dreams of many local bowlers of having a nice place to bowl.

That's about right.

Seriously, have you seen Indian Hills Bowl? It’s been closed countless times due to roof leaks. Most of the lanes are so warped that it feels like you’re bowling in Wonderland and the ball is being magically moved by the Cheshire Cat. It’s been a while since I’ve been there, but I’ve been told that they still don’t have automated scoring…like every other successful bowling alley in Clarksville (or most of the modern world). You still use pencil and paper–hell, I’m surprised they don’t have midgets resetting pins in the back. The entire building is an embarassing reminder of Hopkinsville’s inability to move forward. Also, it’s a typical example of how consumers that feel screwed over will find an alternative. Several Hoptown residents I know travel all the way to Clarksville to bowl at the Pinnacle, just to avoid the flea market quality of Indian Hills Bowl.

You know something…Ebonite, a well-known bowling ball manufacturer, has a factory in Hopkinsville. How embarassing must it be for Indian Hills Bowl to be Hoptown’s representative for the sport?

 
Well, you can guess how the plaza story ended, especially if you drive by the proposed lot. The investor went so far as to lay down the needed utilities! It was on the way… and then he backed out when the city continually refused to let him build. The excessive good old boy politics and back-scratching (I like to call it “nut-licking”) led to him saying “hell with it”. No new stores, no new theater, and no new bowling alley. Way to go Hoptown.

 
There are many other examples of old money and outdated thinking that encompass Hopkinsville’s history, but we’ll let you hunt down those stories yourself…

Let me add a funny counterpoint about keeping out successful ideas. Hoptown didn’t want an entertainment and shopping complex that would have kept money in town and potentially attract out of towners (from Ft. Campbell, Oak Grove, Todd/Trigg county). But they did think it was a great idea to build a sloppy, half-assed water park? The “Tie Breaker Park Family Aquatic Center” (great name), is a dinky 2-slide watering hole with a lazy river that’s been losing money before they ever laid the first brick.

If you thought people in Clarksville didn’t want a marina, that’s nothing compared to how few people wanted this waste of space. They’re open a whopping 3.5 months a year, and have only broke even due to $125,000 annual subsidies. It’s like the Mount Rushmore of failure–a reflection of backwards thinking.

Hopkinsville Water Park

I think ClarksvilleWTF may need to do a hands-on visit, because I can’t believe this place still exists…
With all of these examples, it’s no wonder that the population has barely trickled up. Meanwhile, most of the young people that haven’t been brainwashed into sticking around have trickled out. Hopkinsville’s future is scary…and that’s what we’ll take a look at next time in part two of Sick, Sad, Hoptown.

So the council is going to take a closer look at what needs to be done. There could be new enforcement based on decibels, based on “reasonable standards” (whatever the hell that means), or a combo of both. Residents aren’t hopping mad and screaming at meetings (yet), which is nice. So hopefully all parties involved will stay civil and come up with a good plan.

Glad this gal(?) hasn't shown up yet.

This is a touchy subject, as too strict of an ordinance could shut down a business, as well as shut down a birthday party with annoying, screaming kids. What’s noise to some people is an entertaining band playing outside to others. So might I suggest a new way to measure distractions to the community?

Not all “noisy” things are heard. Many of them are also seen. If there’s a 300-pound man only wearing jorts (jean shorts) and sunbathing in his front yard, that’s a violation of the noise ordinance if you ask me. If some college kids are listening to shitty music at a bar while drinking Woodford Reserve that’s fine. But if those same jerkwads are ironically wearing non-prescription thick frame glasses and drinking Milwaukee’s Best, they need to be shut the f**k down.

 
Look. I made it easy for you. Follow this chart when you can’t figure out whether you need to shut down the noise:

You’re welcome.