Mexican Restaurantes

AY CHIHUAHUA, DONDE ESTAS EL MEXICAN PIZZA? This ain’t Taco Bell, but read the reviews below to ensure that you don’t end up in Taco Hell. The waiters might call you hermano (brother), but calling me brother ain’t enough. Remember that some people have cool brothers that drive you around and teach you stuff and some just have drugged-up molesty brothers.

REVIEW LEGEND:

EDIBILITY? Will you be eating something at least as good as what you’d get in prison? Or will you feel like a Fear Factor reject? (Remember that show? Yeah, it totally sucked, right?)

GIVE A SHIT? You know the phrases “I don’t give a shit” or “I could give 2 shits”? Well, this is a five shit scale, so the more shits the better! (FIVE SHITS?! THAT’S A LOT OF SHITS!)

FINAL VERDICT? So you’ve decided to eat in Clarksville, huh? Much like the divorced former homecoming queen that settled for the 300 lb night shift manager at Long John silver’s, you gave up and gave in. We’ll see if it’s worth the tears and prescriptions.

    Casablanca

EDIBILITY? 3 out of 5 – They’ve got the “SUPER CHIMICHANGA”, which is one chicken, one beef, and one shrimp fried chimichanga that’s a nice mix of everything for the indecisive. The salsa is ‘meh’, and every thing else falls under what you’d expect. Drink specials mid-week for those wanting to drown their sorrows in a margarita.

GIVE A SHIT? 4 out of 5 – Ask me in 2009 and I would have gave it a 0. There was this one waiter I called Farty Rodriguez because his face always looked like he just farted and he was trying to hide it from you. But like the ol’ Christian song “Wade in the Water”, the flood in May washed away all the shitty service. More accurately, it flooded the other Casablanca at the Two Rivers Mall, which forced all their (better) staff to work at the Wilma Rudolph location. They have greatly improved their service, thank God.

THE VERDICT? 3 out of 5 – Don’t expect anything spectacular (remember to roll the “R”… spectacularrrrrrrr), but Casablanca gets the job done. Plus it always feels clean in here, so you won’t have the constant fear of Montezuma’s revenge.

    Dos Margaritas –

EDIBILITY? 3.5 out of 5 – This new contender has a few not-so-common items on its menu like spinach quesadillas and several dishes named after relatives. Don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. The salsa is thick and made very well, although no cilantro :-(. Everything had an original feel to it, and the prices were suprisingly lower than others. That helps the dollar-per-bite ratio immensely.

GIVE A SHIT? 4 out of 5 – The staff was swift and friendly, and had no problem understanding da’ English. So all you racists out there will love that they SPEAK AMERICAN IN ‘MERICA HURRRRRR! Also, we ordered a pitcher of margaritas, and each got a full glass in addition to a full pitcher. Cool.

THE VERDICT? 3 out of 5 – OK, a comment on the decor–it’s an LSD-laced train wreck through a Dia De Los Muertes parade. Someone got a hold of little Jimmy’s Crayolas, because holy frijoles, the pinks, blues, and yellows will blind you. Plus, they’ve got this ridiculous Disney booth with tarded up versions of the princesses.

Expect a call from Walt Disney’s corpse, amigos.

Yay on the food and service. Boo on the “Tres Caballeros” inspired design and the OMG FIERY FONT on the outside of the building. Did Guy Fieri vomit on the walls? Also, it’s a bit tiny in there.

    Don Panchos –

EDIBILITY? 3 out of 5 – Voted “Best of Clarksville” in the Mexican category, this place better bring the noise, bring the funk, right? Well, by now we all know the “Best of Clarksville” awards are a pay-to-play scam, so let’s take an honest look. The food is…fine. Everything is… fine. You get enough to eat, and it’s not disgusting. If you want ol’ faithful, here it is folks. The menu is what you’re used to–tacos, burritos, fajitas, etc. Salsa is… fine.

GIVE A SHIT? 3 out of 5 – Once again, everyone is just… fine. Sometimes this place will get packed, typically on Trivia Night, and it gets difficult to get service. Not their fault. Wait, yes it is. Get some more GD help on busy nights. But the staff is good at what they do when there are enough there to cover the place.

THE VERDICT? 3 out of 5 – Yep. Read above about food and service. You won’t be surprised, but you won’t be disappointed (unless you were expecting to be surprised). One positive note is the atmosphere. It’s a good-sized restaurant with a comfortable setting. Except on Trivia Night; avoid it unless you want to be asked what school mascot dries as it gets wetter or whatever the hell the joke is.

    El Toro –

EDIBILITY? 3.5 out of 5 – Being such big fans of the 8,145,689 Chinese Buffet’s in Clarksville, it was essential to try Clarksville’s only Mexican Buffet. They have your typical make your own taco bar as well as enchiladas, some sort of taquito item, and other jive. The surprising thing is that for a buffet, its not very big, but, pretty decent if you like the typical American version of Mexican food. I.E. Taco Bell.

GIVE A SHIT? 3 out of 5 – Have not had any real issues with the wait staff at El Toro. Be forewarned however that when you order any alcoholic drink, even a beer, it seems to take twice as long to get it. Everyone though seems friendly and any issue I have ever had there has always been handled appropriately. It is a little distracting however, as there is a waiter/waitress who has worked there for years and my friends, coworkers, and even parents have not been able to determine with me if it is a man or a woman. This … um…individual? is a good server so I don’t care what the Hell they are.

THE VERDICT? 3.5 out of 5 – If you are on 41-A and want more than a Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell and have about ten bucks to blow, El Toro should treat you pretty o.k. It isn’t Mexican Cuisine, but, they have good cheese dip so, that pretty much cancels that out.

NOTE: Do you notice a trend here? A lot of “3’s”? One restaurant won’t particularly blow away any others around here. Most of the places that make people sick have closed down (I think). So if you hear a mariachi CD playing from a building, chances are you’ll find what you are looking for inside. You might find a particular dish that only one place has, and if you do, eat there. Otherwise, try any of them. Meh.

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Other places needing reviews (got a review? submit a review today!)

Burritos – It’s the restaurant with the giant Impact font all-caps sign that says “BURRITOS”. I wonder what they serve there…

El Comal – I don’t think most Clarksville gringos know what the hell a “Comal” is, but I’m sure they’ll find out.

Torero’s – Two locations, one in the old Cafe 541 building down the road from the University. Students, let a brother know if this place rocks the fiesta.

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